You've been very...
- What did you get? - Blimey!-
Well, I never!
Nothing yet. I'm just, you know, deciding.
- It's nice to see you. - It's nice to see you.
This present thing is great. I should've gotten married years ago.
- Anybody get the Pygmy? - The young man thought about it...
No!
Just get me an ashtray.
Are you free for about a half-hour?
Yeah.
I'm meeting my brother, but I can be a bit late.
Oh, good. You have an important decision to make.
- Now, you mustn't laugh. - OK. Right.
What do you think?
Divine.
Bit of a meringue?
Don't worry. We've only just begun.
What do you think?
- You're kidding. - But it would be wonderful.
Maybe next time..
What do you think?
- I knew it. - With a staff, you could look after sheep.
Don't be rude.
It's a bit sexy, this.
Well...'
If I were your husband, I would die of pride.
You may be right. It is dangerous.
There's nothing worse at a wedding than a priest with an erection.
It's strange thinking you'll never sleep with anyone else.
- You don't think you'll be unfaithful? - No. Not once I'm married.
I told Hamish I'll kill him if he does, so I'd better stick to that.
Quite right.
Anyway, I reckon I've had my fair run at it.
What is a fair run these days, down your way?
I don't know..
More than one.
Well, come on. Tell me.
I've seen the dress. We have no secrets.
Well...
The first one - of course, not easily forgotten - was kinda nice.
Two... hairy back.
Three, four, five... Six was on my birthday in my parents' room.
- Which birthday? - 17th.
- We've only reached 17? - I grew up in the country.
Lots of rolling around in haystacks..
OK. Seven...
Eight, unfortunately, was quite a shock.
Nine, against a fence. Very uncomfortable. Don't try it.
I won't.
10 was gorgeous. Just heaven, just...
- He was wonderful. - I hate him.
11, obviously after 10, disappointing.
12 through 17, the university years. Sensitive, caring, intelligent boys.
Sexually speaking, a real low patch.
18 broke my heart.
- Years of yearning. - I'm sorry.
20... Oh, my God! I can't believe I've reached 20.
21, elephant tongue.
22 kept falling asleep. That was my first year in England.
I do apologise.
- 23 and 24 together. That was something. - Seriously?
27... That was a mistake.
- Suddenly at 27 you make a mistake? - Yes, he kept screaming.
Very off-putting. I nearly gave up on the whole thing.
But Spencer changed my mind. That's 28.
- His father, 29. - With his father?
30.
31... Oh, my God.
32 was lovely.
And then my fiancé, that's 33.
Wow!
So I came after your fiancé?
No, you were 32.
So there you go.
Less than Madonna, more than Princess Di - I hope.
And how about you? How many have you slept with?
Christ! Nothing like that many. I don't know...
I don't know what the fuck I've been doing with my time.
Work, probably. Yeah, work. I have been working late a lot.
I wish I'd rung you.
But then you never rang me.
You ruthlessly slept with me twice and never rang me.
Bollocks!
Help me, please! Please!
You're no longer my brother, you're just some git I once met.
I'm sorry.
Carrie, this is David, my brother.
This is Carrie.
Hi.
We were buying her a wedding dress.
Pathetic excuse. Who's she marrying?
Some total penis.
What is it about penises that they get such great wives?
I was just telling him about you marrying Hamish
and he said it couldn't have happened to a nicer fellow.
Didn't you do it with her once?
- Where are you doing it? - Scotland.
Yes.
Beautiful breasts.
He says that's a beautiful place. Hilly.'
You should come to the wedding, too.
I want lots of friends to make up for the gruesome stiffs that Hamish knows.
Well, you'd better go in.
Bye.
- Bye. - Bye.
Come on - we're late.
Fuck it!
Look. Sorry.
I just... Well... This is a really stupid question,
particularly in view of our shopping excursion,
but I just wondered if by any chance...
Obviously not, because I've only slept with nine people.
But I... I just wondered...
I really feel...
In short, to recap in a slightly clearer version,
in the words of David Cassidy, while still with the Partridge Family,
I think I love you. And...
I just wondered whether by any chance you wouldn't like to...
No. No, of course not.
I'm an idiot. He's not.
Excellent. Fantastic.
Lovely to see you. Sorry to disturb. Better get on.
- Fuck! - That was very romantic.
Well, I thought it over a lot, you know. I wanted to get it just right.
Important to have said it, I think.
Said what, exactly?
Said, you know, what I just said about David Cassidy.
You're lovely.
One month laterg
It was ordained for lifelong faithful relationships and conjugal love.
It was ordained for the welfare of human society,
which can be strong and happy
only when the marriage bond is held in honour.
Into this holy estate these two persons now desire to enter.
Wherefore, if anyone can show any just causeb
why they may not lawfully be joined together in marriage,
let him now declare it.
Sorry.
Please rise.
Do you, Hamish, take this woman Caroline to be your wedded wife
and do you, in the presence of God and before this congregation,
promise and covenant to be to her a loving and faithful husband
until God shall separate you by death?
I do.
Do you, Caroline, take this man Hamish to be your wedded husband
and do you, in the presence of God and before this congregation,
promise and covenant to be to him a loving and faithful wife
until God shall separate you by death?
I do.
Fuck-a-doodle-doo.
- How awfully nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
Hello.
You look beautiful. Not a meringue in sight.
Thanks.
Blimey!,
It's Brigadoon! It's bloody Brigadoon!
Dear old things, as you know, I've always been proud
that there's not a wedding ring between the lot of us.
Over the passing of the years, it's beginning to distress me.
I'd like to go to the wedding of someone I really loved for a change.
Don't blame me. I've asked practically everyone I know.
- You haven't asked me. - Haven't I?
Oh, Scarlett... Would you like to?
No, thank you. It was very nice of you to ask.
Well... Any time.
Quite right, Tom, quite right. That's the spirit.
Tonight, these are your orders.
Go forth and conjugate. Find husbands and wives.
Excellent. What do you think, Fifi? Spot a potential hubby?
- Bugger off, Tom. - Quite right.
A toast before we go into battle.
True love.
In whatever shape or form it may come.
May we all in our dotage be proud to say 'l was adored once, too.'
- True love. - True love!
Apparently, an enormous number of people
actually bump into their future spouses at weddings,
which is interesting.
Yes, I met my husband at a wedding.
Good Lord, I seem to have finished my drink. If you'll excuse me.
Hello. My name's Scarlett.
Named after Scarlett O'Hara, but much less trouble.
- What's your name? - My name's Rhett.
No...
- Not really? - No, not really.
- In fact, it's Chester. - You kidder!
I always imagine Americans are gonna be dull as shit.
Of course you're not, are you?
Steve Martin's American, isn't he?
Yes, he is.
You're lovely.
Hello, Charles.
Oh, Hen. Hi.
Look, I couldn't really bear a scene today!
I know we've probably got tons to talk about...
Did I behave that atrociously last time?
Well, you remember the shower scene in Psycho?
Scarier.
God, I'm depressed, Hen! How are you?
I'm cheerful. I weigh almost nothing and I've got a divine new boyfriend.
Perhaps we should've got married.
No! I'd have had to marry your friends, and I'm not sure I could take Fiona.
Fiona loves you.
- Fiona calls me Duckface. - Well, I never heard that.
Look, darling, come to lunch soon. Give me a ring.
Still cute..
How's Duckface?
Good form, actually. Not too mad.
Ladies and gentlemen, the bride and groom!
You like this girl, don't you?
Yes.
Yes, it's...
It's a strange thing when at last it happens.
And she's marrying someone else.
How about you, Fifi? Have you identified a future partner for life yet?
No need, really.
The deed is done.
I've been in love with the same bloke for ages.
Have you? Who's that?
You, Charlie.
It's always been you.
Since first we met so many years ago.
I knew the first moment.
Across a crowded room. A lawn, in fact.
Doesn't matter.
Nothing either of us can do on this one. Such is life.
Friends isn't bad, you know.
Friends is quite something.
Oh, Fi...
It's not all easy, is it?
No.
Just forget this business. Not to be.
Matthew, darling.
- Where's Gareth? - Torturing Americans.
How thoughtful of him.
Do you actually know Oscar Wilde?
Not personally, no..
But I do know someone who could get his fax number for you.
Shall we dance?
Well? Any rings on fingers?
Gareth, you don't know how lucky you are.
Finding someone to marry is a tricky business.
It's hell out there. Matthew's trapped with an evangelist from Minnesota.
Sweet Jesus, cast out the devil!
My lords, ladies, and gentlemen, please charge your glasses.
First, and rather unusually, we have the bride.
Excellent. I love this girl.
Thank you.
First of all, I'd like to thank all of you who've flown in from the States.
As for the rest of you, I'd have thought that lots of frightful Americans flying in
was an excuse for staying away. So I thank you, too.
If my darling dad had been here today, he would have been speaking now,
and I know what he would have said:
'Great dress, babe, but why in the hell are you marrying the stiff in the skirt?'
And I would have given him the same answer that I give you:.
'Because I love him.'
As John Lennon said, who died the same year as my dad,
'Love is the answer, and you know that for sure.'
And one more thing.
Someone told me here that, if things with Hamish didn't work out, he would step in.
I just wanted to say thanks, and I'll keep you posted.
Bravo!
Now, my lords, ladies, and gentlemen, Sir Hamish Banks.
Anyone involved in politics for the last 20 years
has got used to being upstaged by a woman.
I didn't expect it to happen to me on my wedding day.
However, I must also say that I'm quite happy
to be upstaged by this woman for the rest of my life.
Is that some barracking at the back? We politicians are used to that.
- Shit! Find a doctor! - Right. OK.
First of all, my compliments to the bridesmaids.
You did your duties superbly.
And obviously I intend to use you every time I get married from now on.
I want to thank all those wonderful ladies of the parisht
who did the flowers in the church.
The stern old building took on a look of flushed youth today.
I remember the first time I laid eyes on Caroline.
I thought to myself: 'lf by any chance she's short-sighted,
I might just be happy for the rest of my life.'
I thought I could see my future for the first time.
It was a joyful one, for years and years to come.
Good morning, and a warm welcome to you all on this cold day.
Our service will begin in a few minutes.
But first we have asked Matthew, Gareth's closest friend,
to say a few words.
Gareth used to prefer funerals to weddings.
He said it was easier to get enthusiastic
about a ceremony one had an outside chance of eventually being involved in.
In order to prepare this speech, I rang a few peopleo
to get a general picture of how Gareth was regarded by those who met him.
'Fat' seems to have been a word people most connected with him.
'Terribly rude' also rang a lot of bells.
So 'very fat' and 'very rude' seems to have been the stranger's viewpoint.
But some of you have rung me and let me know that you loved him,
which I know he would have been thrilled to hear.
You remember his fabulous hospitality, his strange experimental cooking.
The recipe for duck á la banana fortunately goes with him to his grave.
Most of all, you tell me of his enormous capacity for joy.
And, when joyful, for highly vocal drunkenness.
I hope joyful is how you will remember him.
Not stuck in a box in a church.
Pick your favourite of his waistcoats and remember him that way.
The most splendid, replete,
big-heartedm
- weak-hearted, as it turned out -
and jolly bugger most of us ever met.
As for me, you may ask how I will remember him.
What I thought of him.
Unfortunately, there I run out of words.
Forgive me if I turn from my own feelings
to the words of another splendid bugger, WH Auden.
This is actually what I want to say:
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let the aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West.
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever:
I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now:
Put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
It was good of you to come. Must have been the shortest honeymoon in history.
No, it's fine. We'll do it some other time.
You know, what you said in the street...
- Yes, I'm sorry about that. - No, I liked it.
I liked you saying it.
Charlie, I'll take Scarlett home, all right?
Darling Fi.
Walk, Charlie?
Yeah. Yeah, that would be grand.
Never felt like that. I mean, something vaguely similar,
for Jilly, when I was young.
Jilly?
Labrador.
Yes, it's odd, isn't it?
All these years we've been single and proud of it
and never noticed that two of us were, in effect, married all this time.
Traitors in our midst.
You know, I think death is hardest for the parents, don't you?
I hope I die before my children.
Tom...
There's one thing I find really...
Well... It's your total confidence that you will get married.
I mean, what if you never find the right girl?
Sorry?
Surely, if that service shows anything,
it shows that there is such a thing as a perfect match.
If we can't be like Gareth and Matthew, then maybe we should just let it go.
Some of us are not gonna get married.
Well, I don't know, Charlie.
The truth is, unlike you, I never expected the thunderbolt.
I always just hoped that I'd meet some nice, friendly girl,
like the look of her, hope the look of me didn't make her physically sick,
then pop the question and settle down and be happy.
It worked for my parents. Well, apart from the divorce...
I'll give you six months at the outside, Tom.
Yeah, maybe you're right..
Maybe all this waiting for one true love stuff gets you nowhere.
What the fuck is going on?
I thought we'd better make absolutely sure we weren't late.
Excellent wedding hairstyle..
Ten months laterd
Matthew. The best-looking best man in the world.
Listen. Thank you for doing this today.
Of course.
I wish Gareth was here.
Bet he does, too.
I'm sorry we're so late. The others are just parking the car.
I thought we'd all go with Tom.
- Late? So late? - Yeah. It's 9.45.
- 9.45? - Yep. 45 minutes till 'l do'.
Oh, bloody Tom! I told him to set the alarm for eight!
Fuck it! Fuck!
- Scarlett. - Hi!
- You ready? - Absolutely. Give me 20 seconds.
- Time. - Honestly?
Yes! Time!,
It's about ten to nine.
Bastards.
Jessica, stop jumping up and down, please.
One, two, three, smile!
- This is splendid tuck. - Yes, I think I might say a little word.
As you know, I've been a close observer of Charles's love life for many years.
But recently I'd started to despair and fear that really he was married to us,
- except that we won't have his babies. - I don't know about that.
But it's all turned out splendidly. The girl is sadly crazy,
but perhaps that's why he loves her..
I'd like to propose a toast to my Charlie and his beautiful girl on this tragic day..
- So, be happy and don't forget us. - Thank you.
- To Charles and Duckface. - Charles and Duckface!
- What do you think? - You look divine.
It does work, doesn't it? Yes.
I'd like to thank Fiona for those charming words about my future wife.
I'd like to take this opportunity to read a message from her to you all.
This is exciting.
She says 'Any of you come near the house, I'll set the dogs on you.'
I think that's a nice touch.
Sweet!
'Set the dogs on you'!
John, hi.
- John, you made it. - Yes.
I hope me damn sister turns up. Not much of a wedding without a bride.
Tom!
Bit of a poor show you not having a stag night.
We did! We did... We didn't think it was a very good idea in this day and age.
Really?
Fi, you do look lovely today.
- I've abandoned my traditional black. - Yes, so you have.
From now on, I shall be all the colours of the rainbow
and fall in love with someone who fancies me for a change.
Darling Fi!
- Look. - What?
Lipstick everywhere. That won't do at all.
- Hi. - Hi.
Good luck.'
Hello. Glad you could come.
Groom's on the right. Bride's on the left.
- Groom on the right. Bride on the left. - Oh, my God!
I thought you'd gone back to Texas.
Without you, never.
Good luck.
Bride or groom?
It should be perfectly obvious I'm neither. Great God!
- Bride or groom? - Bride.
Yes...,
I'm fine.
I've a feeling we've met before.
We have. About 25 years ago.
I'm second cousin Harold's daughter Deirdre. You're Tom.
Good Lord!
- So, you're family. - Yes..
- Only very distant. - Well, yes, of course.
You said you were bride?
Yes.
Well, do sit.
Do sit here, Deirdre.
Golly!
Thunderbolt city.
- Hello, Matthew. - Nice to see you.
- Hello, Charles. - Bernard. How are you?
- Exhausted, actually. - Oh, bunny!
- Charles. - Hello, Lyd.
- Hi. - Hi.
You look lovely. But then I always did like you dressed for weddings.
- And on time. - Yeah. Extraordinary thing, isn't it?
- How's Hamish? - He's fine... I believe.
- You believe? - Well, yes.
He wasn't the man for me after all.
- You left him? - We left each other.
- When? - A few months now.
March was hell. By April, it was sordid.
That's the last time I marry someone three times my age..
Charles, time to travel.
Yeah.
Coming. Good.
- So why didn't you get in touch, then? - I did think about it.
I wanted to, but I was in a state.
So, anyway, I don't want to keep you.
And I'll see you afterwards.
Yeah. Fine.
Wait.
I'll show you to your seat.
Just showing her to her seat.
Our timing's been really bad, hasn't it?
It's been bad, yes.
It's been a disaster.
It has, as you say, been very bad indeed.
God, it's lovely to see you.
Well, good luck.
It's pretty easy. Just say 'l do' whenever anyone asks you a question.
Could you just give me a sec, Matthew?
Yes, of course. Freshen up at will.
Dear Lord,
forgive me for what I'm about to say
in this magnificent place of worship.
Bugger!
Can I help at all?
No. Thanks.
Sorry.
Vocal exercises. Big church.
Excellent. Often do the same myself.
Not exactly the same vocab, obviously. Rather more alleluias.
I'll leave you.
- Bride's arriving. - Fabulous!
We seem to have lost the groom.
- Stall her and I'll see if I can find him. - Roger. Wilco.
Charles.
It's good to see you.
Yeah.,
Matt, what do we think about marriage?
Well... Gosh!
Well, I think it's really good, if you love the person with all your heart.
Well, exactly. Quite.
All these weddings. All these years.
All that blasted salmon and champagne.
Here I am on my own wedding day and I'm still thinking.
Can I ask about what?
No.-
No, I think best not.
I'm sorry, there's a delay. A problem with the flowers.
Flowers?
There seems to be a staggeringly high proportion of hay fever sufferers
and they're right next to the flowers, so we're moving the congregation.
Don't want the vows obliterated by sneezing.
Charles, would it be out of place for me to say that time is ticking by?
What's happening? Tell me.?
Oh, God.
I just saw Carrie... and she's separated.
Charles. It's your wedding day.
I've fooled them so far.
When people think you're stupid, they're less suspicious.
What's your advice?
You've got three choices: one - go ahead with it.
Two - go outside and say 'Sorry, folks, it's all off!'
Not tempting. Next?
Third...
I can't think of a third.
Hello.
Here you are!
Ready to face the enemy?
Are we?
Yes.
Excellent.
Not so tight, Dad.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God
and in the face of this congregationt
to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony,
which is an honourable estate, instituted of God in the time of man's innocence,
signifying unto us the mystical union that is betwixt Christ and his Church
and therefore is not by any to be enterprisede
nor taken in hand unadvisedly, lightly, or wantonly,
but reverently, discreetly, advisedly,
soberly,
and in the fear of God..
Therefore, if any man can show any just causea
why they may not lawfully be joined together,
let him speak now or else hereafter for ever hold his peace.
I'm sorry. Does someone have something to say?
Yes? What is it?
One second.
What's going on?
I thought of a third option.
What?
Will you translate?
Translate what?
He wants me to translate what he's saying.
What is he saying?
I think the groom is having doubts...
He says 'l suspect the groom is having doubts.'
'l suspect the groom would like to delay.'
I think the groom really loves someone else.
That's true, isn't it, Charles?
'l suspect the groom...'.
Because, Charlie - this is for the rest of your life.
Finally, you've got to marry the person you love with your whole heart.
And by the way - your flies are undone.
What's he saying?
He sayse
he suspects the groom loves someone else.
Do you?
Do you love someone else? Do you, Charles?
I do.
Get out of my way! Let me kill him!
Blimey!
At least it's one we won't forget.
A lot of weddings just blend into each other.
- For God's sake! - This one will stick out in the memory.
For not actually including a wedding service.
Poor girl. No, I mean it. Poor girl.
She's not my favourite person, but I think what you did today was unforgivable.
I can't bear to think about it.
Poor Hen.
- Though let's face facts. - I'm sorry.
If you weren't sure you wanted to marry her today of all days,
i.e., your wedding day,
then it must be the right decision, mustn't it?
Quite right.
It was a lovely dress. I'm sure she'll find it useful for parties.
- What did he say, Charles? - Says he blames himself.
- Absolutely not. - No, you mustn't, David.
They all blame you too.
- It's OK. - No, no. If there's music to be faced,
I should be facing it.
Hello.
- Hi! You're soaking. Come in. - No, I'm fine.
Comes a point when you can't get wetter.
- OK, I'll come out. - No, please don't. I...
I just wanted to check you're OK.
Not busy killing yourself or anything, but...
But you're fine, so...
I shouldn't have come to the church this morning. I'm sorry.
No!
Wait. It was all my fault. I mean, I'm the bastard here.
And it sorted out one thing.
Marriage and me were very clearly not meant for one another.
It sorted out another big thing, too.
There I was, standing there in the church,
and for the first time in my whole life I realised
totally and utterly loved one person.
And it wasn't the person next to me in the veil.
It's the person standing opposite me now
in the rain.
Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed.
The truth of it is, I've loved you from the first second I met you.
- Not going away again, are you? - No. I might drown. But otherwise, no.
OK. OK. We'll go in.
But first let me ask you one thing.
Do you think, after we've dried off,
after we've spent lots more time together, you might agree
not to marry me?
And do you thinku
not being married to me might maybe be something you could consider
doing for the rest of your life?
Do you?
I do.